3

I am Third.

1.God
2.Others
3.Me

“Read, read, read. Read everything -- trash, classics, good and bad, and see how they do it. Just like a carpenter who works as an apprentice and studies the master. Read! You'll absorb it.
Then write. If it's good, you'll find out. If it's not, throw it out of the window.”
-William Faulkner  

 

Daily Dose of Truth

I saw this status on Facebook today:

"i will hold myself to a standard of grace and not perfection"

Truth.

Divine Mercy Sunday

Divine Mercy Sunday

Afraid to show You my wounds
I cower,
Hiding faults and failures,
Unable to meet your gaze.
Afraid of being too much and too little
all at once,
I build my wall,
Brick after brick—excuses, pious prayers and what I think I’m supposed to say to You,
All the while hiding how I really feel, what I really think, who I really am—
my heart.

But You too were broken once.
You show me Yourself—Your Body, broken, for me.
“Here is My side, the wound cuts deep.
Behold My heart,
beating for you,
pouring out blood and water—
mercy, for you.
Take and drink, be washed clean.
Here are my hands,
pierced,
nailed down so that you may be set free.
Place you hands in My wounds,
My hands and My side.
See My love, My mercy,
Doubt no more.”

I see Your wounds, Your hands, Your side.
I reach out my hand
Slowly, cautiously,
Afraid You might change Your mind.
I touch Your wounds
Your hands, Your side.

Mercy,
Love,
Beyond compare flow from Your wounds
over my heart.
Your wounds heal mine.
Jesus I trust in You.

You became small and vulnerable to teach me to do the same.

Celebrate Being Alive

Happy Birthday to me!

I thought that by now I would be over excitedly awaiting my birthday, but this year was like the 21 years before it, I got more and more excited as April 13th came closer and closer and I even counted down the minutes until midnight so I could watch my birthday roll in. On the one hand, this all seems childish and maybe even a little self-centered....but I think there's a better way of looking at it. I think it's more childlike than childish. I think birthdays are a great chance to reflect on the past year of one's life and to think about things to look forward to in the coming year and ways to grow more and more into the person God created you to be, kind of like a personal New Year. For me this birthday is about hope and trust-- hopefully looking forward to the blessings and joys to come and trusting in God's plan for me this year.

Henri Nouwen writes:

"Birthdays are so important. On our birthdays we celebrate being alive. On our birthdays people can say to us, “Thank you for being!” Birthday presents are signs of our families’ and friends’ joy that we are part of their lives. Little children often look forward to their birthdays for months. Their birthdays are their big days, when they are the center of attention and all their friends come to celebrate.

We should never forget our birthdays or the birthdays of those who are close to us. Birthdays keep us childlike. They remind us that what is important is not what we do or accomplish, not what we have or who we know, but that we are, here and now. On birthdays let us be grateful for the gift of life."

I'm eagerly looking forward to this next year of my life...bring it on!

“Joy is the experience of knowing that you are unconditionally loved and that nothing--sickness, failure, emotional distress, oppression, war, or even death--can take that love away.”

Henri Nouwen

Easter Monday and e.e. cummings

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

-e.e. cummings

everyday sanctity

"The Christian vocation consists of making heroic verse out of the prose of each day. Heaven and earth seem to merge, my sons and daughters, on the horizon. But where they really meet is in your hearts, when you sanctify your everyday lives"
--St. Josemaria Escriva

5th Sunday of Lent

"Amen, amen, I say to you,
unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies,
it remains just a grain of wheat;
but if it dies, it produces much fruit.
Whoever loves his life loses it,
and whoever hates his life in this world
will preserve it for eternal life." John 12:24

I love finding incredible pieces of Truth in the most unexpected places. Here's a real gem from the lovely actress, Zooey Deschanel:

"Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all – look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love."

Last [single, OH, child] Taxes

I keep thinking about how a million different things will be different this time next year. I keep thinking how this past Christmas was my last Christmas without Hank; how, come October 13th, all holidays will be split up between our two families. I keep thinking "this is/will be the last time I'll [fill in the blank] without Hank or as a single person." The funniest one so far came up tonight while I was working on filling out this year's tax forms. I thought about how next year my Dad wont be helping me with them; how Hank and I will be filing together; and how, most-likely, I will be living in a diferent state. It seems like a silly thing to be so thoughtful about, but it's the kind of thing that makes me look forward to the future and all the changes before me with hopeful expectation, as well as reminding me about how much I have to be thankful for right now.

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really, want.

After meeting with the florist for the wedding today my mom complimented me on how I really seemed to know what I wanted. Now, I know this kind of sounds like a strange compliment, but it was a really significant affirmation for me to receive. You see, I am miss indecisive, or at least, I was. Honestly, about a year ago, if you asked me to tell you with complete certainty what I wanted or to make a even a small decision, I probably would have shied away from it saying, "I don't even know what I want."

Not anymore.

Ok, so I'm still not the first one in a group to make a suggestion or offer an opinion about an activity, and decisions, especially big ones, still stress me out; but I think I've learned a lot in the past year, heck, in the past 2 months, about what I really want. I've also learned how to effectively convey my opinion and to own it and not apologize for having an opinion.

This is one of the amazing things wedding planning has taught me: that I do know myself, I do know what I hope and wish for, and if I dig deep down into myself I can discover it and even work to make it a reality.

Courage, Confidence, and Creativity

This is probably one of the most important lessons I've learned from my painting class so far. I came into the class wanting so badly to be good at art, to be able to create art that really means something, that is worth looking at and most of all that I could be proud of. However, I also came into the class as a pretty timid artist. I have always been really concerned with doing things "the right way." I am often afraid to move forward unless I know for sure that I am doing it the right way. I guess I'm more afraid of failure than I would like to think. Sometimes I wont even try things I think I wont be good at. A good painting requires a certain amount of confidence on the part of the painter. I couldn't wait to make every brush stroke until I had gotten the "ok" from my instructor. So I had a to take the chance that I might not be doing it just right and just paint. I quickly learned a few things from painting this way:

1. Painting is actually fun when you just go for it and don't stress out about each brushstroke.

2. the magic of acrylic paint: if you paint something that doesn't look quite right- let it dry and then paint over it.

As I grew more and more confident and had more fun while I was painting, I realized that I'm actually pretty good at it. I've painted a few things that I am truly proud of. But more than that, I' proud of the way my confidence in myself has grown. I've learned to stick up for my own opinions and what I like, my own interpretation of things. I've learned to really look at something and to represent it in my own way.

I think I'm learning about real creativity.

Rest

I have in me eternal longings;
hungers which cannot be satisfied here,
thirsts which cannot be quenched.

My soul aches for Something beyond,
Something it does not fully understand.

Something I cannot grasp.

Designed with Something missing
I will never stop searching

Until in Him I rest.

the blank, white page.

The cursor flashes on the blank, white page

daring me to type, to write, to speak

what’s on my mind, what’s in my heart.

Like a second Eliot, another Prufrock, I ask myself:

“Do I dare?”

“Do I dare disturb the universe?”

If I capture what I want to say in black text upon this white page,

If I set my thoughts adrift into this vast expansive sea of information,

full of more important thoughts, more eloquent words,

will it matter?

Or, I could so easily

delete

these words. No one would know the difference anyway.

Will their impact be missed?

Do I dare suppose I have anything important to say,

anything worth reading to write?

Can this small voice help answer the “overwhelming question?”

Can my two cents help bring order to this apparent chaos?

Self Discipline

I'm starting to realize that a big thing God wants me to work on before I graduate college is self-discipline. Sometimes I wonder why I'm a Classics major, but I'm realizing it may be (at least in part) because I usually lack the discipline to sit down and see something through to completion, and translating Latin and Greek requires that you sit still and keep your mind focused on one task for as long as it takes. Right now I'm struggling with finishing my thesis. I have 29 days to finish it. It seems like a lot, but I know it will fly by. It drives me crazy how I love to start things but I struggle to find the determination to finish them.

God grant me perseverance.

Simcha Fisher Does it Again

I don't think I've ever read a blog post by Simcha Fisher that I didn't like. She captures ideas about topics I've been thinking about so well, deeply, but in a perfectly understandable way. This article on love is just one example.

Wow.

Bl. Mother Teresa calls me out

Usually when I come home for extended periods of time I feel really un-peaceful. Now, don't get me wrong, I love being at home. I love my family so much and I miss them like crazy when I'm away at school. But once I've been at home for a few days (or sometimes hours) I become acutely aware of the lack of peace here at home. It may seem ridiculous to expect peace from the home of 2 parents, 9 children, and 1 dog, and I know better than to expect everyone to be quiet and calm all the time, but the lack of peace still makes me sad. I often get frustrated with it and even find myself getting angry with my family for their bad attitudes and bickering.

I read this quote from Bl.Mother Teresa today and it just hit me hard: "“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.”

Wow.

Of course I want world peace, who doesn't? But how do I expect to go out and love the world and promote world peace if I can't even love my own family? Mother Teresa's words really called me out. They made me think, "Is selflessly loving my family the foremost concern on my mind when I come home? Maybe if it were I could really start to make a difference at home." I've always kind of resented being the oldest, but this is my chance to put it to use, to set a good example for the other kids of love, in the hopes that little by little, together, we can restore peace.